Be Not Afraid, Only Believe

Good Morning!

It's been two months since I came home, as of yesterday. I know, it's hard to believe. I can confidently say that my Stake President and I have a plan in the works to send me back out. My return date will hopefully be around March 30th, which conveniently is also the next transfer date for the St. George Mission. However, the date isn't set in stone, so it could change over the next month. Nothing's certain until it's happened.

Elder Gerrit W. Gong in his previous conference talk (Oct. 2021) stated; "Perhaps we don't see ourselves in the Church, don't feel we fit, feel judged by others."

Feeling judged by those around us is a very common affliction, and one I've had to face head on quite recently. As you can imagine, coming home from a mission, with a two-year commitment on my shoulders, was challenging. Before I left St. George I spent about a week in denial, wishing the verdict would be reversed, that somehow I could stay and avoid all the shame I'd feel. Maybe, if I didn't go home, I could pretend everything was alright long enough for it to be true.

President Kaluhiokalani stated "Where you focus your efforts determines your reality, whether it's real or not doesn't matter. It's what you make of it."

I was hoping to make what I felt was the best out of a bad situation. Luckily, God's in charge, not me.

I felt terrible 'lying' to all the people who talked to me throughout my flights. Everyone was asking if I was going into the field or coming home. When I said I was coming home, they were all proud of me, congratulating me for my service. The thing is, I never told anyone the truth; that I'd only served two months. I felt that they'd judge me to be a failure.

The first weeks at home, and the first Sunday, were very uncertain for me. I went to church and entertained the idea that I wouldn't talk to anyone. I could just blend into my family (there's a lot of kids anyway, what's one more?) and nobody would bug me. The quicker I returned to St. George, the better.

The thing is, as time passed, the people I was around didn't judge me for the past, or my current situation. They did their best to help me feel at home, and encourage me to do whatever I needed so I could return to my mission. Elder Gong also stated that "Trust becomes real when we do hard things with faith." I believe this includes trust in ourselves.

Throughout my struggles to feel at home, in my home, I've had to begin the process of improving my life and determining what was important to me. Christ needed to be the center of my life. Even though I make dumb mistakes, one of the blessings of life on Earth is that I'm not alone in my dumb decisions. Everyone makes them! My dad helped me see that I need to focus on my relationship with God, rather than what Suzy down the street thinks of me.

It's been a struggle trying to ground my life in the gospel of Jesus Christ. However, as I've gone through this experience, I've been able to share my thoughts with others. For example, yesterday in Elder's Quorum (a class for the men during church) I shared a bit about my feelings coming home, and how I really appreciated feeling supported and welcomed despite what a casual observer might judge about my situation.

One final note to make from my journey these past two months; there is a difference between worth and worthiness. A sister gave a really heartfelt talk about how we always have worth. I know that we are God's children, whatever we do. He loves us, and we always have worth in his eyes. If you don't feel like you're worth something, then start acting like you have worth. You'll feel it better when you own it.

Always having worth doesn't mean we're always worthy. As we choose things that bring us in favor with God, we are granted more blessings and opportunities than we would have previously. Our worthiness and preparedness have an effect on our lives, though it may pass unseen.

I'll close with Elder Gong's final statements:

"Our life journeys are individual, but we can come again to God our Father and His Beloved Son through trust in God, each other, and ourselves. Jesus beckons, 'Be not afraid, only believe.' As did the Prophet Joseph, undaunted may we trust in our Heavenly Father's care. Dear brother, dear sister, dear friend, please look again for faith and trust - a miracle He promises you today."

Even though life is hard, and at times we may feel betrayed or filled with shame, there is always hope. Miracles do happen, even if they seem unreachable in a cramped seat on a crowded airplane.

- Talmage Williams

Pictures: 

Spunky little buffalo!